when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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