I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We left the knife in your bed.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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