Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
