My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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