i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
