Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
