Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Ketchup is God's man juice
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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