While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize