I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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