I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
