Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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