all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
