Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
