Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
