I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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