You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
