Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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