I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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