she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My Higher Power is John Stamos
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
