They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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