oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
