Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
