I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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