I'm so fucking centered right now
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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