you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize