Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
