I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
