He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize