I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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