my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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