Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
