Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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