apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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