How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
