operation harelip BJ is a go
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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