everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
