I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize