Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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