But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
