My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
