Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
