Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
