that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
