My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
