I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize