This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Hippo gnu deer
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
