That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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