he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize