in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize