the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We got so high we made milksteak
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
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