there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
