his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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