my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Don't tell me you're on acid again
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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