It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize