sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
