I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Be still, my beating vagina.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
