This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
