last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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