Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
