I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
