I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Vodka?
Forever.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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