I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
