was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
