I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
