Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
